You may recall the popular joke about the chap who invented an exploding prayer-mat. He shipped a consignment to Iraq, and now prophets are going through the roof. That is, of course, a classic example of a pun. I’ve gathered a few more that fall into the same genre – a play on words – and fully expect the more literate of you to respond with a quotation from Hamlet: “Get thee to a punnery.”
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.
Did you hear about Burberry’s new reversible jackets? I'm wondering how they’ll turn out.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter. How dairy.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back coated in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
Did you hear about the patient whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
By lunchtime on Sunday, I’d burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I have a nap while the Yorkshire puddings are in the oven.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how far a Mercedes bends.
I'm glad I learned sign language. It's pretty handy.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
I’ve just divorced my cross-eyed wife. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My girlfriend told me she is giving me the elbow because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said: "No, wait! I can change."
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
A dwarf who claimed to have psychic powers broke out of jail. The local paper used the headline “Small medium at large.”
Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
I don't trust staircases. They're always up to something.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought "this changes everything".
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far, I've got twelve fridges.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
And, lastly …
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
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