Puns for the educated?

[GHD]

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

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7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[TSR2]

Some of those are very good...

but some are down there with grahams effort yesterday

[nigelb]

I wonder if Gary wrote those? Oh, if you need help, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two side. a²+b²=c²
Thanks to Pythagorus.

Nigel²

[airboatr]

I like 3 ... short, sweet, with a robust punch line.

5 brought to mind our dear departed Leif. Who would have enjoyed that.

.... unless he was a litte short on patients when he'd have heard it.


I love puns. A sweet music to my ears. Never taking aim at someone, ..making sport of them.
It's just all about words.

[Garry Russell]

Cheered me up

[Airspeed]

I wonder if Gary wrote those? Oh, if you need help, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two side. a²+b²=c²
Thanks to Pythagorus.

Nigel²

Hi Nigel,
Pythagoras here,
I'm not a member, so I'm using Airspeed's account. (BTW these computeropouloses are great - the things I could have done...)
You have confused me with the prehistoric snake "pythagorus." I had a skeleton of one in my studio, and I can tell you, pythagoruses would not fit in a tiled bath, so never had the opportunity to develop trigonometrical theories.
Just wanted to get that straight.
ATB Pythagoras.

[nigelb]

Hi, Mr. Pythagoras,

My apologies for misspelling your name. I have always had trouble with spelling, however I maintain that anyone that knows only one way to spell a word is not very creative. Anyway that is the excuse I always use. Especially used when I first came to the Colonies and my spelling was the cause of low marks on my writing endeavors. I would tell my teachers that was the (correct) British spelling. It actually worked on a few occasions. Besides that, I rely on my "computeropouloses" to catch spelling errors but as is evident, that can be unreliable in some cases. Ah, but if you Google "Pythagorus" and ignore the nag to use the "correct" spelling, you will find many sites using my alternative spelling! I suppose that does not prove it is a valid alternative spelling, but does prove there is some creativity out on the web. Sort of like Rachmaninoff versus Rachmaniniov. Oh, I hear you were into music, but I doubt you would have heard that warhorse, the Second Piano Concerto in C minor. After all it does not use Pythagorean tuning and if it did, any major third and many other chords would sound terrible. Incidentally, no disrespect but I thought you died around 495 BC. Have you come back to help the Greeks solve their financial problems?

Regarding the trigonometric ( not "trigonometrical") theory capability of the prehistoric snake "Pythagorus", I think you may be a bit unfair because I do not believe such a creature existed. If it was prehistoric, did it survive until the invention of the bath tile? Even if it did, rather than limiting itself to tiled baths, couldn't it slither or catch the bus to the local piazza and use those larger tiles?

Just wanted to throw some curve balls at ya, to use a Colonial colloquialism. Watch out for the Daleks!

Nigel²

[Airspeed]

I see what you mean, Nigel, they can't even spell "Hendon" correctly in the colonies! You could have got away with "moida" over there.
As for all that high brow stuff about classical music, we never got that far, just tooted our flutes, plucked a lute or two, and enjoyed the passing moment. It was too hard to do all those little squiggly bits on a clay tablet, and when the recycling movement started us using papyrus, the ink bled like a stuck minotaur, and you couldn't tell a crochet from a quaver, so the women learned how to crochet, and we sold the idea of quavers to the military, who changed it to quivers, leading, of course, to "The Archers" being on British radio in the 1950s.
Nice chatting with you, though I was a bit upset to hear that I was dead. What's a BC? Are they those disgusting Bleeding Cadavers that used to hang around our battlefields?
May the gods be with you, love your creativity, see you round like a discus.
Your palopoulos, Pythy

[nigelb]

Dear Pythy, if I can be so bold to call you that, oh learned one. You may call me “Nige”, removing the little L, or you may put it back and become a little L raiser.

Hendon or Herndon? Well, Hendon is on the Northern Line, Herndon is not. Hendon appears in the Doomsday book, Herndon certainly does not. In 1858, when this area was merely a small collection of dairy farms, a post office was built to serve the community. A name had to be picked and they chose Herndon, naming the town after Commander William Lewis Herndon, who had captained the SS Central America and had the misfortune in 1857 run into a hurricane, off the coast of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina. He managed to save the women and children but there was not enough room on the rescue vessel to save the men. He went down with his ship and became somewhat of a hero as a result.. Strangely, I don’t think he ever set foot in the town named after him. Ok, he would have been dead when the town was named, so I bet I am right.

I hope you derived a great deal of pleasure from tooting your flute and plucking your lute. I was very careful with spelling on that last verb. How are you at playing the lyre? I am so glad you are at least familiar with the terms crochet and quaver rather than the Colonial abominations of quarter note and eighth note. Why simplify something when you can obscure the meaning and preserve an elitist ethos. By Zeus, ethos is a splendid Greek derived word. Speaking of Zeus, have you met Helen of Troy, his daughter? She must be something since her abduction caused the Trojan War. Besides, I saw her high school yearbook picture and she was a corker. She might have been a bit before your time so look for a blue police box and see if you can hitch a ride back in time to check her out. Watch out for Daleks!

I am amazed you know about "The Archers." Indeed, they were on the wireless in the fifties ..... and sixties and seventies and I think they still maybe on. I remember because when they were broadcast, my mother would not allow me to say a word. I had to be quiet as a mouse during "The Archers" and also "Mrs. Dale's Diary." Had I possessed a quiver at that time, an arrow would have gone straight through that radio speaker.

I am sorry to have to reveal this to you, but only gods like Zeus are immortal. You, my palopoulos, have been dead for quite some time, much like that famous parrot nailed to his perch. Sorry, I did not mean to imply you were a Norwegian Blue. I should have clarified my use of the term “BC” because I realize you would not be familiar with it. While your interpretation is plausible and very creative, it actually means “Before Cutlery” so stick a fork in it, I am done!

Nigel²

[airboatr]

Hello Nige,