Not new but still funny.I'm sure you can think of other suitable locations.
A major hurricane (HurricaneShazza) and earthquake measuring 1.8 on the
Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its
epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy
Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my
little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I
was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the
next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
fromRatners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "wossthat gotta do wiv you?" EricT
Now at the age where I know I like girls but can't remember why!
If you like a chuckle at the expense of Essex stereotypes you mustn't miss the 'The Dealership' on Channel 4. It's a fly-on-the -wall documentary at The Essex Car Company. Observing Essex salesmen selling second-hand cars to Essex customers.
It's superb entertainment and available on 4oD to catch up. Just had two episodes into series one so far and I'm hooked! My favourite is the three sisters who have to buy a Mercedes for one of them on the grounds that she's the only one in the family without one. She can't afford it and she's turned down for finance but there's no way she's going without it ...
EricT
