In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is
a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it
is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will
have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
Jokes for a boring Monday
Moderators: Guru's, The Ministry
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DaveG
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- Location: in a deep, dark hole somewhere.
- Contact:
Jokes for a boring Monday
Dave G.
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DaveG
- The Gurus
- Posts: 7758
- Joined: 23 Jun 2004, 18:05
- Location: in a deep, dark hole somewhere.
- Contact:
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."
Dave G.
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DaveG
- The Gurus
- Posts: 7758
- Joined: 23 Jun 2004, 18:05
- Location: in a deep, dark hole somewhere.
- Contact:
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her
"Your hair smells nice."
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants
to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her
"Your hair smells nice."
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants
to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
Dave G.
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DaveG
- The Gurus
- Posts: 7758
- Joined: 23 Jun 2004, 18:05
- Location: in a deep, dark hole somewhere.
- Contact:
Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has
reached the £1 million question.
Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember,
you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?
"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too
sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.
'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire.' I've
got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million.
The next voice you hear will be Sven's."
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives
in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was
brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a
call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a
badger lives in a set?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ...........
"But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
reached the £1 million question.
Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember,
you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?
"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too
sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.
'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire.' I've
got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million.
The next voice you hear will be Sven's."
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives
in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was
brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a
call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a
badger lives in a set?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ...........
"But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
Dave G.
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DaveG
- The Gurus
- Posts: 7758
- Joined: 23 Jun 2004, 18:05
- Location: in a deep, dark hole somewhere.
- Contact:
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets
out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns
and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of
sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says:
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You know you're going be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets
out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns
and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of
sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says:
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You know you're going be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Dave G.
-
andy
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
.....and there's more...............
A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"
...................Taxi...............
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
.....and there's more...............
A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"
...................Taxi...............
