Scottish humour

[Filonian]

And I'm not going to translate this for the Americans... LOL!

What do you call a dwarf who falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into a coconut'
Says the doctor, 'You're bountae '

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays?
The Wan WI a wee calf.

The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
'Fur ma roon shooders'

Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in t he school play.
'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks
The boy says, ' I play the part of the Scottish husband ' .
The mother scowls and says,
'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, k neaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while
In a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is under
Weight. You don't have any milk !'
I know,' she said, 'ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I came son!'

A wee woman from Glasgow 's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh .
She phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilet pepper!' yelled the woman

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit Wis that fur?' he cries
'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.
Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.' She seemed
Satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three
Days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him
Again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'
'Your horse phoned!' she said.


Graham

[Garry Russell]

And the Scotsmans favourite dessert?

tart 'n custard

Garry

[AllanL]

Leave my wife oot o' this.

[Chris Trott]

Translation not required for this American. I mumbled through it just fine.

Good jokes, some of them are funnier in "Scottish" than in English anyway.

[nigelb]

I think I have seen the horse joke before but they are all very funny!

Nigel²

[steelsporran]

And the Scotsmans favourite dessert?
tart 'n custard
Garry

:roll: :roll:
Thankyou Garry, we'll let you know.