A few groans
Posted: 19 May 2013, 14:35
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours
later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've
lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local
pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper
off the web..
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance , so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a AA van parked. The
driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that ,
2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was
poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend
yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind
my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So
I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the pennies out on the kitchen table when she
suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he
returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the
theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to
tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with
a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours
later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've
lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local
pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper
off the web..
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance , so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a AA van parked. The
driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that ,
2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was
poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend
yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind
my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So
I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the pennies out on the kitchen table when she
suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he
returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the
theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to
tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with
a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
