Advice

[simondix]

I have been away for a week but came back from holiday because my Grandson David took his own life on Friday. he was a Paramedic and 27 years of age. I knew he had issues since he was a kid and had only recently given him advice about sharing thoughts and emotions. He was adopted and had been physically[not sexually] abused and neglected prior to being taken in to care and adoption as a 3 year old. He had obviously over the last year been under a lot of stress both at work and home, he was very close to my wife and felt it deeply when she died last year. Something at work tipped him over the edge last Thursday and he took an overdose at my house, where he was cat sitting and that was that.

My feelings fluctuate between grief and anger. Anger at the waste of a life and the mess he has let in his wake and especially what it has done to his mother, who obviously wants to feel responsible. Anger also at it could all have been avoided if he had only spoken to someone about what was going on. Even the majority of his colleagues were not aware he was struggling. I obviously feel grief as he was my grandson and was well loved.

The point to this is it was so unnecessary. There are systems out there to help and advise to avoid this sort of thing. If anybody out there has issues speak to someone because suicide believe it or not does not solve anything. I am speaking from experience having dealt with it professionally as a former Police Officer and RPCA Inspector and now on the receiving end of it personally.

If you have nobody personal to talk to about issues there is Samaritans and you don't have to be suicidal to talk to them. Just take that step and avoid the devastation that suicide leaves in its wake and what's more you may well feel better.

[Buggyman]

Simon,

My sincere condolences.

You are not alone, my son took his own life at age 27, leaving us both wondering what we could have done to stop it happening. We left him at a friends house, laughing and joking about Christmas presents - it was 16 December - and the next morning the local Policeman called to say he had been found in his car surrounded by cards that he had written. So, for us, Christmas is always a sad affair and always will be.

Time does indeed heal but we will never be free from the thought that could we have done something, anything, to change the course of events? However, the 2 year old he left behind is now 30 and became a father on Saturday for the first time so life goes on. I'm sure he would have been proud of his new granddaughter.

Take care my friend, each day will be a challenge but better than the last.


Allan

[Airspeed]

Simon,
That is tragic. I'm so sorry to hear your news.
What you said about the distress left in the wake of a suicide has been confirmed in TV documentaries.
Even in this "carefree" country, nine people kill themselves every day.
On the subject of talking to someone about how one feels, I had a work related mental breakdown over 20 years ago, and though I was not suicidal, no available information was of the slightest use to me, as it was all beyond my comprehension. I could not even read aircraft magazines; the words made no sense to me. I am not saying that help is a waste of time, but I know just how hard it can be to absorb advice when your brain is malfunctioning.
One of the clients who I dealt with, had a son who survived many suicide attempts, but ended up slamming his Mercedes into a tree with no seat belt.
My deepest sympathy to your Family, Simon.

[Charlie Bravo]

It's difficult to find the words but I do hope that you are OK in yourself Simon. I'm sure many would like to forget 2020/1 and the loss of your Grandson will only add to that.

I can only echo your words about talking to someone and as I say to my friends, I work shifts and am awake at times when many others are not so just message or call me if you need to.
Likewise for you, I'm sure many of us in this little community would be happy to listen should you need us.

Rgds
Chris

[Paul K]

Simon, sincerest sympathies to you; this on top of your wife's passing. Very hard time for you emotionally, and I send my best wishes.

Our family has suffered similar in recent months. My sister's step-son - French army, paratrooper qualified, a very active man- had contracted a degenerative condition, and couldn't stand the side-effects of pain killers any longer. He ended his life too. Did he talk about his problems ? Did he open up to anyone ? It seems not. Women are right - we should talk more.

Once again, condolences to you.

PK

[TSR2]

Sincere condolences Simon and Paul. It must be incredibly hard, I can’t imagine how you all must be feeling.

It’s very easy and indeed seems obvious that people, and men in particular should talk more about their feelings, however this often isn’t as straight forward as it sounds, particularly when it gets to the point were someone sees no other relief from their situation. As approachable as we may be, it’s often hard for a loved one to talk about their challenges with other family members. There is an overarching fear of burdening others, particularly others who you love and care for. For some it may seem obvious that something is on their mind, and in these situations the best we can all do is to make sure we stay in regular contact with them, even just to chat about the weather or “normal” stuff. Unfortunately it’s much harder when it isn’t obvious. There are people for whom these feelings are very deeply buried to such an extent that outwardly they seem fine. It gets to the point where it’s almost quite matter of fact for them and doesn’t warrant any discussion for them.
What I would say, is that early interventions can make a significant difference. I’d suggest encouraging them to get some counselling from someone not related or known to the person you may be concerned about. It can be a bit hit and miss, but often speaking to someone who has absolutely no agenda is much easier than speaking to someone you care about.
I hope and pray that both of these men are at peace now and free from their torments and that your families can find some peace in time.

[Nigel H-J]

Simon, I am so sorry to read about this, no words can be said to give you piece of mind, there will always be many questions that cannot be answered and leave you with a huge black hole that cannot be filled.

I know for I have been through a traumatic period of my life that caught up with me nearly ten years later that I could not deal with. I have never opened up on this until about ten years ago as for me, it was something that I felt truly ashamed of although it was not of my doing.

I was not good at school though my sister excelled and got ten 'O' Levels, my parents were very disappointed that after spending money so I could go to private school did not work out as they planned. At fifteen and a half they took me out of school and drove me down to a hotel in the Cotswolds where I had previously had an interview. There I was, alone, my parents returning back to Nottingham and leaving me there to start my working life by myself.

It was whilst there and still not sixteen that I was sexually assaulted, twice by the manager and twice by the chef. I had no-one I could turn to, if I told my parents it I felt that they would either think I was making it up or they might even think that I had encouraged it, so I said nothing to any-one but left the hotel and moved to another village to work in another hotel.

Years later, I had a massive mental breakdown, after years of storing up what happened and not being able to open up about it just eventually over spilled and well, I don't even want to write any-more about it. I have suffered mentally over the years and more recently when at C.C.T.V. for I was bullied by some colleagues and management due to my deafness which led to my first heart attack.

Since being retired so much stress has been lifted from me but right from the first episode of events, I could not call out for help as I was in one sense, so embarrassed and felt sick at what happened and had no trust in any-one.

The point of me coming out with the above Simon is to let you know that what you have experienced is not uncommon for people such as myself, asking for help was not an option and this can also be the case for those who had taken their lives, trying to cope with events but not being able to reach out and ask for help.

I just hope that in time that the pain you feel will lessen for you Simon.

Kind regards
Nigel.

[saltysplash]

Hi Simon,
Firstly let me say I'm sorry for your loss and that of your family.

I too am retired Old Bill, 33 years in the Met and its the easiest thing in world for me to say, we've both seen it all and had to deal with it all, and who was there for us when it all kicked off?

I was going to type a long text about stuff and things but deleted it.

I have no words of advice or help for what your going through.

My only take on it is this, From what you have said, David made a decision to end his life, despite knowing all the help that was available to him.

What he did do however was, he chose to end his life knowing he could rely on you. His love for you is obvious. The one person he trusted and loved to deal with this with love and understanding.

Take some comfort in that Simon.

You're not alone Shipmate


Edit to add:-

I just wanted to say how moved i've been by the comments on this Post. Especially Nigel, Keep the faith brother. You're not alone

[simondix]

Thank you for everybody being kind an posting about this tragedy. I know about talking having myself suffered several bouts of anxiety and depression over the years, which my late wife made me seek help. I was finally diagnosed with PTSD in 2019.
More has come to light about David, and the nature of what happened and a certain feeling of pride comes into the soup of feelings in this case. The one thing my wife and I drummed into him was to have principles and stick to them. Unfortunately it seems sticking to them was what tipped him over the edge.

It seems also he had anxiety and depression which he had not told any of his family about.

Again thankyou again for your kind thoughts and wishes which I will pass on.

PS

Saltyspash I was Met. BH cadet, AR,AH,AL and VM before leaving to go to the RSPCA.

[nigelb]

Simon, my condolences to you and your family. Words cannot express the sorrow you must feel but know that many of us on here are thinking of you during this difficult time.

Nigel²