American funnies

[VEGAS]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in
the Crawford,Texas public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
(but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be waterboarded twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speedof the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can writeanything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again orI'll give you another ticket. '

'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowedto write as many tickets as we can.'

'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND ;THE WINNER IS....

'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

[Garry Russell]

Love 'em Eddie

Thanks for that

Garry

[Nigel H-J]

Brilliant find Eddie.....now I just need to find one of my school reports as I'm sure there was a similarity in one of those comments from my teacher!!

Nigel.

[DaveB]

Enjoyed both sets

ATB

DaveB

[Filonian]

Thanks Eddie. Enjoyed 'em all.

Graham

[nigelb]

Wonder if it is just coincidence that the first set is from Crawford, Texas and that is where 'Dubya' has a ranch. Could there be something in the water there?.

Nigel²

[DispatchDragon]

Sorry to ruin everyones day - but the Crawford Independent School System denies any of the first ones attributed to their teachers - as usual just folks on the Internet enjoying changing the truth.

[DaveB]

You haven't ruined anyones day Leif. You don't honestly think we actually believe everything we read do you

They're funny and some are believable.. no more.. no less

ATB

DaveB

[Filonian]

You haven't ruined anyones day Leif. You don't honestly think we actually believe everything we read do you

They're funny and some are believable.. no more.. no less

ATB

DaveB

Indeed Dave, just accept the humour. I'm still chuckling over them all.

Graham

[Chris Trott]

The best part is some of those Police Quotes I've heard on the following shows -

Cops
Speeders
World's Dumbest Criminals (World's Worst Drivers episodes 1 through whatever one they're on now)
World's Wildest Police Videos

And the look of the person who was getting a ticket was even more priceless.