"I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and make love to me? What could be better than that?" she asked.
"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner."
The difference between an onion and a bagpipe: nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
After chatting up this fit blonde in the club last night, I pulled out my phone..
"Do you think I could have your number?" I asked.
"Well, maybe." She replied. "But it'd be a hell of a coincidence."
A Facebook friend of mine posted a video of her infant son with the caption, "Future footballer?"
I watched it expecting to see the little lad kicking a soft ball around, but he just fell over then started screaming.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A man says to the priest, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest says,"Well, what is it that you've done, my son?"
"I've killed two men." Says the man.
"Well," says the priest, "That is quite serious my son.You can't expect me to keep something this serious to myself."
The man pauses for a moment and says, "Err,ok father..Make that three men."
Brian
