Some oldies....some new to me...

[Dev One]

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

Life was so simple before I got married.
I had absolutely no idea that there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.
He was wearing a cat flap

Definition of "TWERK"
1: To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.
2: Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday, 9-5pm

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.

I've just finished reading a book called "How To Give constructive Criticism."
It was total crap !

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.
Met a girl dressed as an egg.
A question as old as time was answered ... the chicken.

Just lost a court case to a fabric softener!
I fought Lenor, and Lenor won!

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Studies have shown smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
Next they'll be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss

Be careful people, there are a lot of scams on the internet.
For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them.

I'll never forget my son's first words...
"Where the bloody hell have you been for the last 22 years!"

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband

My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession.
I'd better fetch the suitcase from the van.

and one more...

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.
Those piranhas don't mess about!

That's all folks!!

Keith

[Vancouver]

Thanks for them - just what I needed coming in from CostCo which for some inexplicable reason had lines to the check-out of 40 minute duration...

[nigelb]

Some gems in that lot!

Nigel²

[Airspeed]

Yep, some beauties there!

Alex, may be the Costco customers were queuing for the hot cross buns I saw in Coles two days ago.
Grab 'em before they sell out.

[FlyTexas]

Thanks for the laughs. Loved the 'Only Fools and Horses' one.

Brian

[Paul K]

I'm somewhat relieved that Graham ( Filonian ) has retired, and no longer goes Twerk.

[Filonian]

I'm somewhat relieved that Graham ( Filonian ) has retired, and no longer goes Twerk.

Although I have to say Paul, with all my FOS 2015 duties, I don't know how I found time to goTwerk


Graham

[Tomliner]

Graham, when you went t'werk did you in t'car or on t'bus? EricT

[Filonian]

In't car cos t'bus were only one an hour if they felt like running it



Graham

[Paul K]