Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump.
It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst,
but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks
the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion.
You use the toilet tissue to find it was totally unnecessary.
It makes you feel that all is right with the world and that you
are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump Nasty!...
Depends on the dumpers tolerance and the result of too many beers - does'nt
matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy dump
accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days.
Naked flames are ill advised.......
The Chilli Dump (aka the Japanese flag)...
Hot when it goes in, napalm with it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look
like Hiroshima after the bomb, it stays with you all day stinging your ring
and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the space shuttles
heatsheild. Also makes your arse look like a Japanese flag.
The Empty Roll Dump Releif...
You've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder
staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then
someone would ask "Where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and
cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
must face...... pull up your kecks, tighten your cheeks and shuffle to the nearest
bog roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks.
The Machine Gun Dump...
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when
suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranqulity like
machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran,
cradling his umberella like an M16.......damn commies.
The Splash Back Dump...
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your
sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed if the
if the column of water went halfway up your back.....Tip of the day: blot instead of
wiping.
The Childbirth Dump...
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this
purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemna. First it hurts, and then gets no
no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again.
You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!"
There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream. 2. Call an obsterician. 3. Hope to
hell you've got some vaseline to help to get you through it.
The Sound Effect Dump...
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot.
So you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about
to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet. 2. Drop loose change on the floor. 3. Sing the first two stanzas
of your favourite opera.
The Whole Roll Dump...
No matter how much you wipe it just is'nt enough. You blow the whole roll and have to
flush at least a dozen times. The whole thing is just consumer waste.
The Encore Dump...
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the
auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain
call. The world record is seven encores.............
The Houdini Dump...
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you
dream the whole thing? Should you flush?.........Oh yes as you can guarantee that if
you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
